We miss what you would have been…

It’s that time of the year again when we stop and reflect.

Baby Loss Awareness week.

My heart still aches when I recall that dreadful day we were told by the sonographer “I’m so sorry your baby’s heart has stopped beating”. Said with such professionalism in such a clinical environment. We had three months to fall in love with our new future and then watch it fall apart in three seconds.

We got handed choices, really dreadful choices which had to be made. The situation you are thrust into is emotionally brutal. I had to watch my husband attempting to hold it together in fear that I would crumble.

That split second in time changed my husband forever. He lost a piece of his heart and he aches from it. I can see this through his eyes.

We fell apart together in that moment and we got each other through every painful part of what follows after hearing those horrific words. I made a request that no tears would be shed in front of our beautiful daughter. Her heart is perfect and I didn’t want her to lose a part of hers.

We told her the angels needed our baby to brighten up their sky.

I wish I was two as that would have been so much easier to cope with.

We mourned our loss and we have dreamed of what the future would have been.

We braved the intense fear and we were blessed with a baby boy the year after. The Pregnancy after loss is far from enjoyable. Every day was like a ticking clock, because there was no explanation for our loss we had nothing to look out for or avoid. Nine months is a long time to feel anxious for.

My husband dreaded nearly every minute waiting for his arrival as he and I knew we couldn’t handle that situation again.

His arrival was euphoric, my empty arms were filled and our rainbow baby brightened up our sky again. We grew in confidence and had another healthy baby girl a few years after our boy.

We will always miss that piece of us that was taken away.

We are very blessed and we have oodles of love to give our children.

Its not a memory we discuss openly with others often but we are huge supporters of raising awareness. That said, this week of reflection is one where we send out our love and thoughts to all those coping or painfully not coping.

Xx

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