I’m not always OK!

I sat on Wednesday this week and was delighted to see so much support for World Mental Health Day. It’s incredibly important that people become aware that mental health doesn’t carry a physical appearance. For a long time, I refused to admit that every now and again I’m not OK.

I have been through several traumatic experiences in my life and because I knew there was always someone suffering something far worse just around the corner I refused to admit that actually I wasn’t OK. I always suffer in silence and as a result I have developed anxiety. Anxiety in so many situations which I find physically painful.

14 Years ago, I was hit with loss and the one thing nobody could have prepared me for, grief.

Grief is unpredictable, it’s scary and its painful. I became stronger after I came through it which I didn’t think was possible after my Father boarded a flight to the other side of the globe for a holiday never to return, I thought accepting that rejection made me strong. Turns out saving myself from grief made me the strongest I have ever been. As a result of the anxiety I developed and the need to be in control of my emotions during painful periods I discovered shortly after that I had Trichotillomania (hair pulling disorder). It’s a random one and I wasn’t really aware I had started to pull out my own hair until my Mum pointed it out but it’s something I can’t seem to shift. Its part of the OCD family which all links together with my anxiety.

The majority of my life is simply perfect and I count my lucky stars more than you will ever know but there will always be a worry replaced by a new worry that fills a part of me with dread. Its like a fuel tank. I seem to fill its space as soon as it empties. Having studied Psychology in University, I know the GP’s suggestion to have Cognitive therapy could help my condition. I will one day tackle that head on. I currently get really bad anxiety being separated from the children so I know leaving the children to attend therapy sessions will make me feel very anxious. The Irony eh…

I am aware of my mental health and it can feel very lonely. I know its OK to not be OK. I am happy more than I am not and for that I am extremely thankful.

Talk to someone, anyone… Talk to someone, anyone… Talk to someone, anyone…

We hear it over and over and we often feel our problem doesn’t warrant any help as people are suffering far worse. Well your biggest problem will feel heavier than the world itself to you so don’t brush it off.

xx

 

 

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