Labour The Untold Truth

Guys if you have made the amazing decision to bring a human into the world or know someone who has then please have a little read. As you get closer to that exciting day you long for, when I say long for I mean it, 10 very long months…the Dr’s and Midwives will tell you it’s 9 months, they lie. You’re in this condition for 40 weeks, you do the Math 😳
When that day finally arrives when you get your first contraction quickly go put your dignity in a safe place and reunite once you return home πŸ‘πŸ» Mascara is a BIG NO NO ❌ Take that bad boy right off and pack hair bobbles lots of or a head band if your hair is too short to tie up πŸ‘πŸ»
Tell your partner you love them because in a very short period of time they will wonder if you will be leaving this experience a couple after the expletives you are about to call them πŸ™Š
Prepare to laugh your socks off at pre-labour you saying you want to labour with no pain relief πŸ˜‚ That version of you is hilarious πŸ˜‚πŸ‘ŒπŸ»
Be aware once you arrive at the Hospital in labour you have to make it from the car to the Maternity unit (which is always the furthest unit from the entrance) with a million people watching you, this is really encouraging NOT!!!
During labour your Midwife will examine, examine, examine again then examine some more asking you every time to sit on the bed nice and still πŸ‘πŸ» No problem, just remove what feels like a hot poker from your private area and kick back πŸ˜†
Also be warned they motivate you through labour with the promise of a cup of tea and toast…I’m not going to lie it works πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ but be prepared to feel slightly deflated. Tea and toast just doesn’t cut it, they need to amend this to cake and cocktails 🍰🍹Pusssssshhhhhh πŸ˜‚
You may have buckets of confidence in everything you do but be prepared to utter the most crushing words…”I CAN’T DO IT!!!!” 😫😭😩 Don’t worry, every person in the history of our planet uttered these words during labour! You can do it, have you ever heard of anybody who gave up during labour and has a little baby squatting in their uterus πŸ˜‚
When you finally get to 10cm you get to push πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰ **It’s nothing like what you see on one born every minute or any other labour on tele** you can expect to be pushing for over 1 1/2 hours 😱 It’s not as bad as it sounds but I wish I’d have known before I went into labour that I may be pushing for half my life…well it felt like that anyway πŸ˜‚
Then comes the best moment in your entire life, genuinely words can’t describe the feeling you get when your baby arrives, so you can look forward to experiencing this for yourself 😍…but if you’re under the impression your placenta arrives with your baby you’re sadly mistaken 😳

Just when you sink into the bed exhausted and under the impression your work here is done πŸ’ͺ🏼 They give you an injection to induce the after birth then tell you to reach for the gas & air again 😲 What the???…and when it arrives don’t be alarmed you haven’t had twins they just don’t tell you it’s bloody massive πŸ˜±πŸ™ˆ
Now your done, you can sit back in the same sheets you have just given birth in…no longer freshly laundered and enjoy your tea and toast 🀒😬…thankfully the absolutely perfect human you just delivered makes you forget all about this incredibly bizarre experience πŸ₯‚πŸ‘ΆπŸ»β€οΈ

Good Luck xx

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